A Bible Verse About Punishment: Samuel 12:15

A Bible verse about punishment:

“If you do not obey the Lord, and if you rebel against his commands, his hand will be against you, as it was against your fathers.” Samuel 12:15

Just to preface this discussion: I am and have been in a dark place recently. If that makes you uneasy, perhaps this is not the article for you.

But, in the spirit of honesty, I’m going to write anyway.

This verse suits my mood.

I feel as though I’ve been struggling with all aspects of my life for many years now. It always seemed like there would be a point where the storm would pass. The clouds of despair would open up to reveal the light of hope. Then, I would be able to see that all the turmoil was worth it.

Yet, that day has not come.

My “business” is a fraud. For all of the extra time, effort, and commitments that I partake in, there has been no conceivable positive effect on our livelihood.

Being a parent has not gotten better with practice. If anything, I am continually reminded of how woefully deficient I am. The same can be said about being a husband.

My career has a bleak outlook of mediocrity. There’s no hope of an enterprise in which my circumstances can change.

Thus, my desire for a home that I can be proud of, a vehicle from this decade, or even to provide for my family their basic necessities is just that – a desire.

And a fruitless one at that. Which leads me to this verse.

I must deserve this suffering

If the hand of God is continually against me, then it must be my fault. For everything that I try to do right, I must not be obeying His commands.

That’s the only reasonable explanation that I can come up with. I mean, the Law of Averages would indicate that eventually, I would find some success.

Lord knows that I’ve beaten my head against the wall enough times. The effort has been there, but the results have not come with it.

My lack of success can merely be attributed to some lack within myself. A flaw of character, perhaps.

Which leads me to the rhetorical question:

“If there’s no hope of overcoming the fact that God’s hand is against me, and I deserve it, then what’s the point of trying?”

Or, if I rephrase that question like this: There’s something that I’m doing, or something within me that has angered God. Therefore, his hand is against me and I continually struggle without success.

Unless I can discover what it is about me that has thus angered Him, there’s no chance that I can find even a remote chance of success.

Without that chance, what’s the point of trying?

So really, why do anything?

Why make any more videos – they’re not going to provide an opportunity for a new tractor like I hoped.

Why continue to write these articles – it’s not going to provide a new truck like I hoped.

Why continue to try and sell things on eBay – it’s not going to provide the tools to make the aforementioned videos as I hoped.

Why seek promotion to pay for a house like I hoped, I’m clearly not deserving.

Why work so hard to maintain our property when we could just sell it and rent somewhere?

Would I be happy?

No. But I’m not happy now either. At least this way, I wouldn’t have to do anything. I could read all day.

Perhaps my family wouldn’t reject me as much. Maybe I wouldn’t be so depressed. I might not feel like as much of a failure as I do.

But, it would be giving up. And that’s a hard pill for me to swallow.

So even though God is clearly against me, and there is no hope for success, or even a positive outcome, I guess all that’s left to do is to keep beating my head against a wall.

Sooner or later, one thing will break. My head, or the wall.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.